Month: April 2020

Wake Up

Posted on by courageuncaged

I have been hearing this whisper. I’m not quite sure when I began to hear it, but all I know is that this siren could not be ignored. Like a broken record, its endless repetition said, “Wake up!” 

These words were not words of anger. No, they were full of sorrow and urgency; a whisper with a weight that can only matched by the heaviness of the reality which I was living in. 

 You see, I did not know it, but I was stuck in a slumber. Let there be no mistake, this was not sleep, as we would normally think of it. My slumber was much more intrusive in nature, for it had penetrated almost every area of my life. I was living in a state of autopilot. I was efficient, available, and in all honestly a work horse, but I was living each day as if it consisted of a checklist. I had so much to do and so many people that relied on me that without even realizing it I had sacrificed spontaneity and relationships for high performance and task management. 

This seductive but destructive trance resulted in me falling asleep to the beauty in the little moments. I no longer wanted to take risks because I was too comfortable in the familiarity of where I was and the success I seemed to have. 

This is the state in which I was living in, but it was not an eternal sleep. I could still be awakened; I only needed someone to rouse me from this routine, this cycle I was stuck in. Where this happened and where this whisper became the loudest was in a place so fitting.

 Only just before this Coronavirus pandemic became so critical that international travel began to shut down, I was in Israel with a group of leaders from the Residency Institute with CCV (Christ Church of the Valley).  On one particular morning we were sitting in the Garden of Gethsemane and we were allowed to go off on our own. As I was sitting in the Garden I heard it… the whisper saying, “Wake up.” This whisper pierced my soul. However, just like the disciples sleeping in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night Jesus was betrayed, I needed more than just one prodding to fully wake up.  

Throughout the rest of the trip I kept hearing it. “Wake Up” But I wanted to deny it. How could I be asleep?

On the second to last day before heading back home, there it was again, “Wake Up” but this time I listened; I mean I really listened to what God wanted to tell me. 

In that moment, God truly humbled me. Like a slap in the face, but somehow still with a gentleness borne of infinite love, he told me that I had been asleep, not fully giving Him my life. He reminded me that being busy and merely filling my days with tasks doesn’t mean that I am somehow “better than”. Then He asked me two questions, “How was I giving Him my time?” and “How was I serving His people well?” I realized that I was far lacking in both these things. 

Traveling back home I knew that my life needed to change. I had to protect time to not only spend personal time with God but also to serve his people.  I had to leave time for spontaneity because you never know when the Holy Spirit will lead you to speak, listen, or act. This I committed to. 

Now being back in Arizona, things are crazier in this world than at any time that I can remember, at least in my lifetime.  As everything is being temporarily stripped away because of Covid 19, I can see clearly what God was teaching me in Israel. I can go without almost everything, but the thing that is most important to me is my relationship with God and the thing I miss the most is people. 

Now just as I had my wake up call, I believe that this state in which we are currently living because of the pandemic is another wake up call for not only me, but also for you, and the rest of the world. 

In this time, we have the unique opportunity to see clearly what is important. I pray you will take a moment and ask yourself,  “Am I sleeping?” Am I putting tasks and work before God and my family? From personal experience I can tell you this is not the path to take. In the end, this path will only leave you dissatisfied, empty, and frustrated. Nothing can satisfy, bring you peace, or give you contentment except for a real, meaningful, personal relationship with Jesus Christ. 

So this is my plea, for you to wake up. Look around, this is our time to rise up and spend time with God faithfully, to love and lead our families fully, as well as encourage and serve people generously.  

“Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, ‘Sit here while I go over there and pray.’ (…) Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.’ Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. ‘Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?’ he asked Peter.  ‘Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.’ He went away a second time and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.’ When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, ‘Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners.” 

-Matthew 26:36-46

-Picture by Matthew Wilson

Whisper

Posted on by courageuncaged

Photo by Gabi Lebron

For a large majority of my life, I struggled with finding the answer to this question: how does God speak to me. I read books, asked other Christians, and searched God’s Word, but I was no closer to understanding how God personally spoke to me. Like all Christians, God spoke to me through his Word and through others, but I felt the need for something even more intimate – more personal. At times, I felt close to the answer but had no way of putting it into words. 

On April 16, 2016 I finally got my answer.  At this point in my life, I was a sophomore in college and living the American dream. I was a division one athlete at a top-notch school with an amazing GPA, lots of friends, and progress towards a degree in exercise science so I could eventually become a physical therapist. The problem was that I had put God on the back burner and the negative consequences were seeping into every area of my life. 

You see, even before I entered college, I felt God putting on my heart the calling of full time ministry, partially involving missions overseas. However, I doubted this could be the path God had for me. So, I ignored this and continued on the path that I thought was best for my life.  For nearly two years, I traveled down my own path. Anytime I felt an urge to turn back and begin on the path God had for me, I immediately was stricken with fear. Thus, I shoved His calling down deep where I hoped I would no longer feel it.  

However, on April 16, 2016 everything changed. So much happened in my life personally and I felt wrecked; but just as God was with Jonah in the belly of the big fish, God was with me. He did not leave me in my distress and disobedience. 

I will never forget that day; it started like any other day, but as it progressed my thoughts shifted to my life. I felt alone. My twin sister, Chantal, was dating a guy which made me feel like she was pulling away from me. I was also injured which meant for the first time I couldn’t run with my college teammates. When I really thought about it, I didn’t even know who I was without running and Chantal. Then, my thoughts turned to the “bargain” that I made with God not long before. I was lonely so I had decided that if God would send me a godly man that also had the call of full time ministry, then I would follow His call.   

To be honest, I was living in fear. I was afraid of what my life would look like if I didn’t have running, Chantal, or the security of a husband. Later that day, I went on a walk with a guy, who was the first to ever be interested in dating me. I was initially ecstatic of all the possibilities. As we talked and walked, he seemed like a great Christian guy but he was not called to ministry. In an instant, I was struck with guilt and grief; I knew what I had to do. I immediately went home and remembered what it says in Jonah 2:2 “ In my distress I called to the LORD, and he answered me. From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry.” From a place of complete sincerity and vulnerability, I called out to the Lord; and in that moment, I knew I couldn’t take even one more step away from the path that God had for me. So I knelt, prayed, and wept for hours. I was afraid of the calling that God was putting on my heart; but I knew that no matter what God told me to do, I would follow Him to the ends of the Earth if he asked and I would go even if it meant leaving Chantal and being alone. I would not wait on anything or anyone; I was willing to leave it all to follow God’s call for my life. 

So I surrendered and dedicated my life to full time ministry. I wish I could adequately describe the peace and comfort I experienced in that moment but the words escape me. What I can tell you is that it surpassed anything I have ever experienced. From that moment, I have been passionately and faithfully running towards God’s calling for my life.   

After making this decision, I sat down in reflection. Amidst the quietness I heard God’s whisper and in an instance I knew I had found my answer: God speaks to me through a whisper. While he certainly speaks to me through his word and through wise counsel of other Christians, he also speaks to me in the stillness through the whisper of His Holy Spirit. I wrote this poem so I would never forget how God has spoken and will continue to speak to me: through a whisper. My hope is that this poem is a reminder or a starting point for the greater plan that God has for your life as it has been for me.

“The Whisper”
 
The endless searching
It cannot be seen or perceived
The whisper 
It seems to be calling to me
The path I take
 Is not where I should go
The journey to where I don’t know
 
The Whisper
Never departing from me
The distractions
To shift my attention from Thee
The trials 
For which I must face
 The decision
That I contemplate
 
The Whisper
That is still here with me
The plea
For where I should be
The cry to the Lord I call
With Grace 
He has forgiven all
 
The path 
That the Lord has for me
Is greater 
Than I could ever see
 I believe
That He will never leave 
The whisper 
Is always there guiding me
 
-Written April 17, 2016

Courage

Posted on by courageuncaged

For many people, New Years Eve is a time to not only celebrate the previous 365 days but to also make resolutions with the hope that the next year will be better than the last. For me, reflecting on the past year on December 31st is essential; but I have never really been one to make New Year’s resolutions. However, this year was different. 

As I reflected on 2019, I smiled and remembered all of the adventures I had experienced with my new friends that I made since moving to Arizona in August. However, those memories quickly faded away as the pain I experienced started flooding my mind. So much change and hurt happened that for a moment I wished I could just forget it all, and yet I would never want to lose the lessons God taught me during those times. 

As midnight started to draw near, my thoughts shifted to the year 2020. I knew change was inevitable whether I wanted it or not; but I was determined to not enter the New Year in fear. So I decided that for 2020 my resolution would be to strive to embody the word “courage” in every decision I would make and in every circumstance I would face. 

At that point of time, I had no idea how fitting this word, “courage” would be, not only to me but to all of us, as we are all living in unprecedented times with this pandemic disrupting almost every area of our lives. The temptation to live in fear has never been more prominent. 

Even as I start this blog, I realize the courage that it will take to follow through. Fear and anxiety have almost stopped me from writing. I don’t know about you, but for me it is difficult to be vulnerable and to reveal the deep interworking of my life. However, anytime I am tempted to stop, I am reminded of why I am doing this. 

I am writing this blog to bring God glory. My hope is that by reading about my experiences and failures, you will find yourself closer in relationship with God. This is bigger than me. So as you continue to read my blog, I hope you see that the words written on these posts are not from a place of the absence of fear but from a place of courage.

I love how Nelson Mandela put it: 

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” 

I hope you hear my sincerity when I say I am afraid. But, I will not allow that to stop me; and I don’t want it to stop you either. God wants more for you and for me. So speak up when you are hurting or feeling alone. Be brave when you are afraid to do what is right because no one else is. Have courage in the face of trials and difficulties. Dare to live with courage – courage uncaged. 

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 

-2 Timothy 1:7

– Photo by Matthew Wilson